When a child diesthe questions parents ask the most are why did my child die? Why was my child taken? Why wasn’t an adult taken instead? Why didn’t God take me instead? Why didn’t he take a bad kid or a criminal kid? Why, why, why, why, why?The pain of losing a child has no other pain to compare it to. It is like a throbbing open sore that keeps getting worse. Losing your child is simply the worst pain there is. No question. And the only people who understand the grief and pain you are going through now are other parents who have lost a child.Asking questions like why did my child die? is something we have all done at some stage of the grieving process. Many people try and answer that question for you but I know with me I wasn’t really interested in the answers from others. I wanted an answer from God or the universe or whoever it is that is out there in spirit land! (You question many of your beliefs after losing your child.)If you are willing to be open and learn what I am about to teach here, you will move from a mindset of:
- Anger, pain, suffering, depression and utter despair, to a new mindset of…
- Inner peace, inspiration, contentment and calmness.
I have done it and I know that you can do it too.
When I lost my own daughter, Holly, to SIDS at 5 months of age, I continually asked why did my child die? Why? Why? Why? I knew deep down there would never be an answer to this question but it felt good at the time to ask and it released some anger at God and anybody else who was within range.
One thing I learnt very quickly was there is no answer to that question. Having spoken to many other people who have lost a child they all went through a similar experience. And none of them ever received a satisfying answer to the question why did my child die?
Once I knew there was no answer I knew I had to start asking a different question. I had to let go of the ‘WHY’ and find a way to peace and contentment in my mind. I had to start moving forward and not get stuck in my grief knowing there was not a definitive answer to the WHY question.
I also learnt something really important while I was working through my grief. I wasn’t asking ‘why’ because I wanted an answer, I was asking ‘why’ because I was stuck in my grief and couldn’t move forward. Deep down I knew I was in unspeakable pain. The pain of losing a child. I also knew deep down that if I started blaming someone else for her death I could somehow deflect that pain for a short period. But that doesn’t work. The pain of losing a child is intense and is like one long tooth ache that never goes away. It is always there.
The real reason I was asking why did my child die? was because I was looking for someone or something to blame and that would then take the pain away. I am sure you can relate. Lets unleash our fury on the person who drove the car, the person who fired the shot from the gun or the Doctor who misdiagnosed our child’s condition. I blamed God because with SIDS there is no cause of death given for your child dying. They just stop breathing. No cause. No answer. Blame God. Easy.
But it doesn’t help. It doesn’t give closure. I wanted Holly back and that was never going to happen regardless of who I blamed.
The question I started asking instead was HOW?
Not how could this happen or how come my daughter died and not someone else? I asked questions like:
- How can I make Holly’s death mean something?
- How can I not let her death be in vain?
- How can I leave a legacy for this little 5 month old child?
- How can I move forward and feel better about myself and my life?
- How can I help others?
How, how, how instead of why, why, why?
Once I started asking these questions I sensed a change in my whole attitude and my outlook. My whole being started to change. I stopped feeling depressed, I stopped saying ‘my child has died, I want to die too now’ and I stopped asking why did my child die?
I started looking at ways I could help others. I started getting inspired to live my life in memory of Holly and to make her proud. I started to grow. I stopped being the flower that had died and became the flower that was alive and growing and blooming.
When I started asking HOW my pain started to subside. It will always be there inside of me but it has lost that intensity. That fierce stinging open sore throb. Inner peace and inspiration are now the dominating emotions in my life and they can be in yours too.
If you follow the steps listed below, you can start moving away from your great pain, grief and sorrow and move towards a place of inner peace and inspiration.
- The most important step: Decide that you want to change! Sounds obvious but so many people get stuck in a place of grief and are too fearful to move from it. They remain a victim because it is easier. They form a cocoon or comfort zone around themselves and don’t want to move. YOU must decide if you want to move forward. If you choose to remain where you are that is ok too. It is entirely your choice but to change you need to decide to change.
- Once you cross that line in the sand and decide to change, you need to accept that there are no answers to the question ‘why?’ There just aren’t. Why did my child die is a question without an answer. You can make one up and you can draw your own conclusions but in the end we will never know until we join them.
- A really important step and one that I tell people all the time in my video’s and articles is to start a whole new relationship with your child. Close your eyes and visualise them smiling down at you and know they are always there for you, holding your hand and guiding you through your own journey. The bond you had when they were alive is still there. They are always there for you. Losing your child doesn’t mean losing their memory.
- Once you have really got into the habit of visualising your child being with you all the time and helping you and guiding you start asking yourself questions like ‘How can I honour my child? How can I help others who are suffering? How can I make my child’s death really mean something? How can my child’s death help other people?
- Write down the answers to the questions you ask yourself.
- Take action on the answers you come up with.
If you follow these steps you will move away from the fear of being stuck in your grief and move closer to a place of inner peace and contentment. You start healing yourself and you stop blaming yourself and others. You start seeing your child now through more positive eyes. You can move from a being a victim to being an inspiration.
Do you want to move away from the space you are in now?
Here is what to do RIGHT NOW to make sure you start getting the results you want:
- Decide right now to change. Right here, right now!
- From today and everyday start the visualisation of your child holding your hand, smiling with you and guiding you.
- Take action today on one of the answers you came up with in your HOW questions.
- Do it NOW!
Well done. Once we realise that when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change our life takes on new meaning. Start asking HOW and start moving forward.
I have found inner peace and I know you can too.
Love and Peace to you…
By the way do you want to know how to move through grief and never forget your child…EVER? I would love to send you my FREE report -
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